As Another Year Rolls By...
It was so great to hear from you today.
You called to wish me a Happy Birthday.
You reminisced and spoke about how amazing it felt to become a father for the first time. You told me, once again, your story of the day I was born… how proud you were to tell the world you were a Dad, and how beautiful your little girl was.
You asked if your grandson was walking yet, and what new signs he had been learning. I told you that he started taking a few steps alone, and how he is so close to being able to walk on his own two feet. We laughed about him learning how to sign “more” when he want’s more food, and how that’s definitely something an Eccher would learn first.
You asked about Chris, and how our businesses were coming along. You apologized for all the hateful and racist comments you said about him the week before Christmas. We laughed at fact you were once a Trump Supporter, and you told me how you are so glad I enlightened you to the platform of fear that he is running on.
You told me you enjoyed reading my blog about when I injured my leg, and how much it bothered you that I was scared to tell you that I needed help. We talked about my leg… our fitness business, and how great you were doing with your new blood type diet I suggested.
I apologized for causing you heartache the night I drank too much in New York City, and left to go home on my own. I talked about, now being a mother, how I couldn’t imagine having to go through a similar experience with my child. Watching them drunkenly run off to take the train alone, then having to take an hour and a half train ride back with out them, and then driving around the last train stop hysterically looking to see if they made it back safely. I was so sorry for putting you through that experience and not accepting any responsibility for my actions.
I told you that we were expecting another child, and it was going to be a girl this time. I could see your face light up with a smile through the sound of your voice, as you told me how you couldn’t wait to meet her.
But that conversation wasn’t real.
That wasn’t our reality.
Those conversations happened in an alternate parallel, back in the corner of my mind.
Instead, you found out the weather was “nice”, that the baby was doing “good,” and everything was going “great.”
We aren’t taught to have those conversations… those real conversations. Instead we ask questions about the weather, and how is “everything?” We want to hear the good things. We run away from wanting to accept our faults and shatter the pieces of our perfected image. We want everyone to like us, and not talk about the things we don’t like. We want to laugh at funny stories, instead of grow to a higher understanding of each other. We live on the surface, and escape from touching on the innermost depths of our souls.
I know what you battle with, because I am a part of you.
Instead, I’ve accepted that I will be here to receive the love you choose to give me. I’ll be here to reciprocate in your surface relationship. I will be there to answer when you call to ask me “how the weather is”, and tell you that everything is “great.” I’ll send you a Thank You card for every birthday gift you send to our son. And I’ll call you every June to wish you a Happy Father’s Day.
And I’ll still be here, when you want more.
I will be here for the day you want to have a real conversation...for the day you let me share how I want to love you… for the day when you want to take the leap into my reality.