This White Woman does it Better... Her Confession:
Me: “I AM RACIST.”
“No you’re not.” “You have a black boyfriend… you can’t be racist.” “He’s just telling you to say that. Stop it.” --- These are a few of the typical responses I receive when I when I say that I’m racist; when I speak a true statement, when I speak on my actual experiences.
RACISM. It’s such a sensitive subject these days. It’s easily dismissed, especially by people that look similar to me; “white” people. Excuse after excuse to avoid the conversation, and act as if because slavery doesn’t exist anymore neither does racism. But that’s far from the truth. It’s much, much, much, deeper.
(I came across this video online recently, and it touches on my point. Check it out...)
What the Dad does in this video is admit to his bias. He admits that even though he’s raising a “black” daughter, he still stereotyped a “black” man out on the street. What’s great about this video is his honesty, and for him to acknowledge truthfully a moment that he experienced despite the fact that it may make him look “bad.”
I really commend his honesty, but I still wonder if it goes even further? Does he treat his “black” daughter any less than he does his “white” daughter? Would she be the first to be blamed if something was broken or missing from his house? Or does he over compensate for what he knows happens in the world? Is he trying to make up for other situations for how he has viewed/treated other “Black People”?
Just a couple weeks ago I hesitated walking down the aisle of a Wal-Mart because 2 “Black” boys were shopping down it. I intentionally avoided the aisle until I needed to go down it because I couldn’t find what I needed in the other aisle. I was embarrassed when I realized what I did, and thought to myself; “These boys would never believe I have a Black son.”
It’s easy to admit to an experience in public, because it’s an experience with a stranger, and it happens to any one of us in any given moment. But how do you admit to treating those you say you love, or those you live with in a similar way?
You start by being honest… and that’s what I’m working on doing in my life, everyday.
Racism didn’t just “go away” for me because I’m in an interracial relationship. Racism didn’t just “go away” for me because I have mixed children. Being racist, having biases, stereotyping “Black” people… doesn’t just go away. I have been conditioned, our society has been conditioned, and we have to unlearn what we have been taught. And it begins by being honest about how we think, how we feel, and how we treat others.
Society has taught us to be racist, to see people in color, to see people as “Black”. The darker you are, the less consideration you get… and it’s a nasty and disgusting characteristic separating us as human beings. And it’s a truth we need to not only talk about, but work on eliminating. People aren’t “Black” or “White”—We are HUMAN. We are all human beings.
My son is darker than my daughter, and I often catch myself treating him worse than her. I’ve ignored him when he calls my name. I’ve been frustrated when he wakes up from a nap and he wants to cuddle against my chest. I’ve dismissed him when he’s trying to communicate what he wants to eat in the kitchen. I’ve wanted him off of me when I’m feeling hot and wanting to be left alone, when all he wanted was to hop on my lap to give me a kiss. I think that whatever I have going on is more important. I’ve had many moments where I far from treat him as a loving mother would treat her son.
“Cold water please?” in the sweetest voice in the world, becomes a blood curdling tick in the back of my neck because I’m bothered that I have to get up and stop what I’m doing.
It’s every moment.
I’m racist. I live in a state of fear in most moments, a bubble inside of my head blinding me to what is happening right in front of me. Afraid to be in the present moment, and instead I treat my family that loves me, similar to a “Black” person on the street. I slip into my conditionings and react in a fog of inaccurate emotions, selfishness and inconsideration’s. I react on what I have been taught vs. what I have learned.
I’ve been in a relationship for almost 5 years with a man who loves me, and accepts nothing less than the best for me… and I still treat him like shit every single day. I talk over him, when I don’t want to be held accountable for my actions. I dismiss him, when I don’t want to admit that I’m wrong. I lie, when I want to protect my image. I act like I’m smarter than him, when what I am defending is my feelings vs. his rational understanding. I constantly do what I want to do vs. what we agreed on together as the best option. I treat him as a “Black Person”… vs. the loving, caring, considerate, patient, compassionate and genuine HUMAN being that he is… that he has exampled himself to be.
It’s every moment.
From trying to run from a conversation to dodging an aisle in Wal-Mart… All I am is a “scared white woman.” All I am is my grandmother, afraid to drive down “that” side of town. All I am is my mother, fearful of making eye contact with someone darker than me. All I am is my stepmother, wearing gloves on the subway because I didn’t want to hold onto a pole that “one of them” held also. All I am is my father, laughing at driving into a “minority” on a bicycle, and actively supporting and voting for Donald Trump.
I am my reaction. I am my fear. I am my learned behavior. I am my conditioning. I am my programming. I am bias. I am RACIST.
It’s every moment.
It’s only when we accept truth, especially negative truth’s, that we can learn to be better. Five years and 2 kids later, in an interracial relationship… I’m still racist. I’m still scared and fearful in moments, even though I’m in a loving environment and have a beyond beautiful & loving family.
But, I will be better.
I fight my racism everyday, every moment. I refuse to be a product of the system. I refuse to be a product of my environment. I refuse to be a product of racism. Every day I work on being present… being present to the nastiness that blinds me from my beautiful life in front of me. I work on being honest. I work on seeing my family for the beautiful Melanated Humans that they are vs. what society taught me that “Black” is.
I will continue to learn to be better. I will continue to escape the chains inside of my mind.